


Head full of clouds

by Maxyfairy



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: All stars 6, Cuddling, Drag names, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmare, male pronounces, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maxyfairy/pseuds/Maxyfairy
Summary: The stress is eating Jan up and nightmares keep him up all night.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Head full of clouds

**Author's Note:**

> I used he/him pronounces but kept the drag names.  
> I hope you like it. Let me know what you think in the comments :)
> 
> Thanks to chaoticnachokitten for helping me and inspire me when I was lost <3

_"The bottom 2 are Jan and ... !" Rupaul announces. Jan felt like crying. The other contestants gasped. They are all just grey shadows. She doesn't know who's here but she did worse than them. It was the first elimination and she was already in the bottom. The judges didn't like her runway concept and for the talent show she wanted to do something different and not sing. She wanted to show that she could do more than just sing. It totally felt flat. She thought to much about what she did and shot herself in the foot. The whole untucked was a blur of shadows dancing around her and wispering she is going home, the fans are going to turn on her, she should be replaced, any queen would do better than she did. Her head was swimming and she felt like she's going to faint. As the top All star shadows danced against each other Jan sat on the chair next to the stage. With every dance move she saw she felt a pull downwards as if she was going to be pulled into a black hole. She let herself be pulled. She had nothing to lose any more. The song ended and the last thing she saw before she fell into the darkness was the lipstick with her name._

~

Jan woke up gasping for air, tears running down his face. His hair and sleep shirt stuck to his sweaty body. He ran a hand through his hair. This was the third nightmare this week. About a month ago he got the call for All stars. He was really excited to be back on the show and began planning the runway outfits. As the day of his departure was only a few days away his fears kicked in and the nightmares began. Nobody knew about his sleepless nights and the stress he put himself under. He doesn't want to worry anyone so he keeps to himself. The apartment he lives in feels smaller than normal, the walls moving in and pressing the air out of his lungs. Jan stood up and opened a window, letting the cool night air in. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds. The feeling of the dream still lingering in his cells. His body felt like a lifeless shell, his movements slow and robotic. All the energy was drained from his body. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom. The bright light was painful in his eyes. As he looked in the mirror he couldn't recognise the person that was starring back. His skin was pale and he had dark circles under the eyes. His brown eyes were dull and the checks had sunken in a bit. He threw some water on his face and washed the reminder of the tears away. He looked like a living corpse. What would his mother say if she saw him like that? What would his friends say? What would the fans say? He didn't want to let anyone down. Tears began to prickle in his eyes again. He was exhausted, could barely keep his eyes open but the fear of another nightmare kept him awake. Just the thought of going back to sleep made his body tense up and his breath began to come out faster. The fear of failure and disappointment made him doubt himself even more and the tears began to run down his cheek. His feelings overwhelmed him. He didn't know what to do. It was all to much. Jan felt alone. He wants to talk to someone but he doesn't want to bother anyone. They all had their own problems and it was in the middle of the night now anyways.

Ten blocks away Jackie laid in bed and couldn't sleep. Something was wrong but he couldn't put a finger on it. He took his phone from the nightstand and looked at the time. 3 a.m. Maybe Jan was still up. The sleep schedule from the younger man was all over the place. Jackie opened his contacts, tapped on Jan's name and started the call. They normally talked everyday but lately Jan was isolating himself from everyone. Jackie hadn't heard from him in two days. He really cared about Jan and it alarmed him that he hadn't heard anything from the normally bubbly and energetic queen. "J-Jackie?" Jan's small broken voice came through the phone. His breath was quicker than normal. Something wasn't right. His gut feeling was right. Jackie was worried. "Is everything okay, honey?"

"I … No … Yes." A small sob came through the line. "I-I just can't." Jan stuttered. "What can't you do, baby?" Jackie asked softly. "Everything." Jan sounded defeated. "Do you want me to come over?" Jackie suggested carefully. "It's okay you don't have to come. It's in the middle of the night." Jan tried to talk Jackie out of it. He sounds nervous. "Oh honey, I called you first and now I'm definitely coming." Jackie was really concerned about the younger queen. "Be there in 15 minutes." He said and ended the call, didn't let Jan any time to object. Jackie quickly put a hoodie and some sweatpants on and was out the door. Cellphone and keys in his pockets. The walk over to Jan's apartment wasn't long but it felt longer than usual. On the walk he wonders what could be wrong.

Exactly 15 minutes later he knocked on Jan's door. He wasn't prepared for the sight he got as the younger man opened the door. Jan looked like he hadn't slept in days. He looked exhausted with dark purple circles under dull brown eyes. His skin was pale with a grey hue and he looked thinner. Jan had been crying, his eyes were red and bloodshot. It scared Jackie to see his normally cheery friend so lifeless. He immediately pulled him in a hug. "Oh baby." Jan clung to him as if his life depends on it. He slowly navigates them to Jan's coach having Jan straddle his lap, head on his shoulder. Jackie's fingers slowly ran up and down Jan's back. "What's going on Jannie?" He asked softly. Jan instantly tensed up. "Please talk to me honey." "I-I can't. I really want to but there is this thing that forbids me to tell anyone." Jan said frustrated. Jackie was confused. "It's okay baby. You don't have to tell me everything. Just what is wrong at this moment?" He tried to get something out of the other one. "Everything is just too much Jacks." Jan sight. "I can't sleep anymore because I get nightmares." Jackie's arms now wrap around Jan and pulling him closer. "I constantly feel like a letdown so I push even harder. It's so exhausting." He yawned. "You are not a letdown gorge. You work harder than anyone I know." He tried to reassure Jan. "Let's go to bed love, you are almost sleeping on me. We can talk more later." Jackie tried to coax Jan to stand up. "Okay." Jan reluctantly moved. They slowly walked to the bedroom in silence. Jackie was tired but he found Jan's behaviour bizarre. Something was eating him up and he can't talk about it for some reason. Jackie always thought they told each other everything. He really wants to help and lift some weight from Jan's shoulders but he doesn't know what's stressing the brunette so much that he couldn't sleep and got nightmares. "It's cold Jacks." Jan whined as he tugged on Jackie's hand. Jackie softly intertwined their fingers. They were almost there. "Let's get under the covers than." The persian queen pulled Jan with him onto the large bed and lifted the blanket. Jan immediately crawled under it. "Can we cuddle?" "Of course baby. Come here." Jackie opened his arms and Jan easily moulded into them putting his head on the older queens chest. He ran his fingers through Jan's hair. "Good night princess." Jackie murmured. Jan felt safe in Jackie's arms. The older queen radiates a warmth that calmed Jan down and he easily drifted of into sleep. Jackie placed a featherlight kiss on the crown of Jan's hair before he doze off. He wished he could protect Jan from everything evil in the world. Maybe he cares too much for Jan. Maybe he was a little in love.

Jackie woke up to a shivering Jan next to him. Tears running down the younger mans checks. The sun was already beginning to rise. They hadn't closed the curtains and the soft golden light flooded into the room. "No ... can't go home ... no ... please don't." Jan mumbled and wanted to shift closer to the persian men. What does his rambling mean? Why should he go home? Where should he go home from? What was he dreaming? "Jan, baby it's just a dream, wake up." He tried to carefully shake the younger man awake. "Jackie." Jan sobbed. "Shh I'm here baby." He attempted to calm the other one down by rubbing his back. Jackie sat up and pulled Jan with him. Jan's gaze was concentrated on his hands. "Look at me please." Jackie gently lifted his chin up. The other one looked at him with puffy red eyes, tears still running down his face. Jan felt dumb for crying over a bad dream. He shouldn't make Jackie worry so much. Jackie delicately brushed his tears away. "Do you want to talk about the dream?" He tenderly asked. "No, it's okay now." Jan averted his eyes. "It was just a nightmare. I shouldn't even be crying about it, it's childish." "Hey, your feelings matter. You shouldn't belittle them. This dream clearly does something to you and that's okay." Jackie took Jan's hands and gave them a light squeeze. "You don't have to act thought around me. I'm here to help you and that's hard if I don't know what's going on." "It's ... I often have the same dream at the moment with slight differences every time. But the outcome is always the same." "Okay, but what are those dreams about? Clearly it's something you're scared of or something you fear." A long silence. Jan seemed to collect his thoughts. "I'm on All stars, okay." Jan blurted out. He couldn't hold it in anymore. "I can't take it anymore. All the time I think about how's it going to be. What will everyone think and say. Will I disappoint people? I know people like me but what if I don't get as far like on our season. Will they still like me after the show? What if I don't get along with the others?" "First of all, that's amazing. Congratulations. But why didn't you talk to anyone?" Jackie wanted to know. "I didn't want to worry you, the others or my family and remember I'm not supposed to talk about it, Jacks." Jan looked at him with sad eyes. "Oh baby, you had me worried because you didn't talk to me. Well now I know and I won't tell anyone. I also know that you're going to be amazing. You are so talented and everyone there will like you and when your fans will see you on TV they will love you even more." Like I love you. Jackie thought. "It's impossible not to. You're kind to everyone, funny, have an amazing voice and the biggest heart I know. You are the girl next door plus so much more. You don't have to feel like you're less than perfect because you're perfect to me. If you ever feel like this again, please talk to me. Please don't push me away. I want to help you change the voices in your head, love. Can I do something to help you deal with all of your thoughts?" He asked. "Can we just cuddle? You're so warm." Big brown eyes looked at him pleadingly. "Come here." Jackie opened his arms for Jan who literally threw himself at him. "Easy baby." He chuckled as he pulled Jan closer. They laid back down. Wrapped up in each other they doze off again.

Jan was the first to wake up this time. He felt rested and relaxed for the first time in a while. His head still layed on Jackie's chest and the others arms where tightly wrapped around him. He felt safe and loved. Jackie always made him feel that way. He really cared about Jackie. The older one made him feel like he mattered. Made him feel loved. Jan slowly lifted his head so he could press a light kiss on the persian man's cheek. He hoped the other one isn't going to wake up. Just as his lips began to brush Jackie's cheek, the older one shifted his head and their lips touched. He immediately pulled away with wide eyes and set up next to Jackie with crossed legs. His cheeks went bright red and his lips tingle as he touched them with his fingers. He had kissed Jackie, by accident and he liked it. Jan finally looked at Jackie. The other one looked at him with wide warm dark brown eyes. Jackie also sat up and rested against the headboard. It was the most space they had between each other in all those hours. He didn't like it. Jan desperately wanted to be as close to Jackie as possible. Did he ruin their friendship with that kiss?

"Jan." He wispered. "I'm sorry Jackie." He can't loose Jackie. Apologizing was the only thing he could think of. "It's okay, it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to." Jackie said, but looking hopeful. What was that supposed to mean? Jan obviously wants it to be more, but did he read Jackie right. Did he want it too?

"What if I want it to mean more though?" He asked hesitantly. Jackie leaned forward and cupped his face in both hands. He looked him deep in the eyes. "Than it can be more." Jackie breathed against his lips before he kissed him. Jan's eyes closed as he wrapped his arms around Jackie pulling him closer, melting into the kiss.

Jackie didn't leave that day and stayed another night. They cuddled most of the time and enjoyed the warmth and love of the other. Jackie observed that Jan's mood changed over the day and he saw the bubbly persona break through. They watched a musical on Netflix and Jan began to sing along, very silently at the beginning and louder the longer the movie went on. It made Jackie happy to see the other one going back to normal step by step. For lunch they ordered pizza and switched their location from the bed to the coach. They talked, cuddled and kissed the entire day and Jan's doubts began to get smaller.

When it was time for them to go to bed Jan didn't thought about nightmares because he had Jackie who held him tight and protected him from them with his love.


End file.
